The Logan Reaction

Boosh!

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 21:03:45 GMT

Now brought to you in glorious Technicolor and updated for the first time in 59 weeks at the behest of Alison Parker (AKA: The Mongoose.)

Okay, where to begin? Let's subcatagorize, shall we?

Literature

My new favorite author is G. K. Chesterton, virtually unknown for reasons inexplicable. Check out the Man Who Was Thursday. Fantastic.
Also reading lots of detective fiction, which is very enjoyable, but also paranoia inducing. The Big Sleep and Our Man in Havana are highlights. I almost got arrested for trying to hide a key to my apartment under a bridge. The cops came out of nowhere, man! Now I am convinced that they are watching my every move. If you want to hear more on that story click here.

Also, Nikola Tesla's biography is interesting. He was practically erased from the history books by his rivals, so don't believe what they teach you in history class, kids.

Film

The art of cinema is dead. The only good movie that came out in '08 was the Dark Knight. However, I got a pack of 100 copyright-expired mystery movies circa 1930-1950 so those are great.

Music

I'm taking abusive advantage of my 35% discount at Virgin Megastore, so have been listening to lots of new stuff. I think jazz is finally starting to click, but just barely. Alison will be glad to know that I am getting as many Bowie albums as I can.

Sleepytime Gorilla Museum have returned after a year of silence and are playing a show in New York on April 19th. You are all coming with me, so save the date!

Work

I just concluded a four month internship at a post production house and am now looking for more work. I have a good shot at getting to assist a composer on a new ABC series, so fingers crossed there.

Other

I am teaching myself Farsi so I can fight the terrorists (hear that, terrorists? I'm coming for you.) Someone has to step up to the plate now that Mr. Talky O'Talktoterrorists is in office. They write from right to left to try to confuse us, but I am too smart for them. If anyone from the CIA, FBI or NSA is reading this, please give me a job. I know some Russian too, so Commies and Terrorists had both better look out.

A plane landed in the Hudson river, but I wasn't on it.

Mime Shaft

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 05:00:39 GMT

You know what the world needs more of these days? Mimes.
And I'm not talking about those stupid art school mimes who try to make political or artistic points, I'm talking about straight up, old skool, physical comedy mimes. They are talented, funny and underrated.
Watch some old silent film comedies if you don't believe me.

Survey says: TKEP!

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 03:21:06 GMT

1- Rank and Kill count?
37 727 631 r21

2- User ID?
26619

3- Honestly , how many screen names do you have?
9

4- How did you end up on TKEP?linked from www.b3ta.com

5- Ever been n00bed? Why?
Only in n00b fests.

6- EDPL, worst admin ever?
Yes.

7- How many tkep peen's have you seen? ( you know you've been flashed!)
None.

8- How much have you shown off? ( I know we got cam whore's here >.> )
Only my face, and that rarely.

9- Ever kissed any TKEP'rs?
No.

10- Wrath of Eve?
Eve is aa pretty cool admin, all things considered.

11- WHAT is a Shannnn?
She is, in fact, a polar bear.

12- Any orgies?
Nope.

13- Who's the biggest cheater?
As far as I know, no one who still comes around cheats.

Word Association

14- Tyr= Kiwi

15- MOO= lehmä

16- D. ( not a word but go with it.)= lightful!

17- juusto= oh gee whiz, I have 500 000 kills!

18- Dark Chocolate = Confetti

19- Carrot = Wabbit Season

20- Tallamud = Not long enough

End word association

21- Favorite TKEP'r = I am smart enough not to name names in a public forum like this.

22- Ever dated any of them? = No.

23- WANT to date any of them?
Eh, not really.

24- Come on, who?
I'm not making any decisions until I meet people in person.

25- Does size matter?
Bigger is always better in America!

26- How many admin's can you name?
Loads.

27- Name two dishes from the TCafe
RuFondue and Ductappioca pudding

28- Have you read the FAQ?
At least twice.

29- Quote it.
No.

30- When did the world end?
depends on whether you count bonus country.

31- What do you call the Bonus Country people?
Bonus Countryfolk

32- Most hated TKEP'r?
Me?

33- How many TKEP couples can you name? ( past or present)
I prefer not to. TKEP couples are REALLY annoying.

34- Ever cheated? Be honest.
No.

35- Mouse keys or Single clicker?
Mousekeys until my PC died. Very little clicking since then.

36- Who do you miss that doesn't come around anymore?
jakewater

37- Finn's, Americans or OTHER?
Americans!

38- What does Homokaasu mean?
It's open to interpretation

39- Should TKEP just die allready since the world is over?
well SOMETHING should happen, but the chat should definitely stay.

40- How many TKEP'rs have you met in person?
5 I think.

41- Does it rock your soxs or rawr your drawrs?
Rocks my Socks

42- Your mom?
No, your mom.

43- Why did COMEA stop talking to us?
Because he's a crybaby.

44- Make up a few awards and nominate a few people for them.
Katz gets the best Mexican award, DTG gets the "should be an admin but isn't" award. AG gets the award fo most likely to join the UN.

45- Cowboy the fuck up?
Humbug.

46- What is llama's arch enemy?
Seryk.

47- And since we are on that, Llama, Llama________?
No comment.

48- Whys the rum gone?
Well I didn't drink it, I prefer gin.

49- GM or CM?
Neither. GM doesn't like me and CM likes me even less.

50- So how many cxm are you excited right now?
I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.

51- PENS!
PENS!

52- Now add a question or two for the next person that copy pastes this, lets make the survey a group effort ( plus Im sure you guys have cooler questions than me) I'll do my best to respond the new q's in your lj's ^_^.

Maybe later.

Ridiculous Comparisons IV

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 03:14:08 GMT

One for the fallas in the audience! Whom would you rather date?

Madame Curie, who discovered radioactivity

OR

Betsy Ross, who designed the American Flag

The ladies can respond to this by saying who would make the better roommate.

Ridiculous Comparisons III

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 03:13:46 GMT

Sorry for the delay between installments, folks. I lost my list of names I wanted to use. But now I've found it, so on with the show!

Who is the better Bird Man?

Pioneering Ethologist, Konrad Lorenz

OR

Master of the Psychological Thriller, Alfred Hitchcock

CHOOSE!

(p.s. the Rush concert rocked)

Ridiculous Comparisons II

Wed, 30 May 2007 04:09:32 GMT

Time now for another installment of Ridiculous Comparisons! Today's question: Who is more handsome?

Monarch and Frequent groom King Henry VIII

OR

Composer of American Marching Band music John Philip Sousa

Please post your votes and reasons below.

Ridiculous Comparisons I

Fri, 25 May 2007 22:10:27 GMT

I am pleased to announce the first in my new series of ridiculous comparison polls. Today's poll question is as follows:

Whom do you prefer:

Martin Luther or Martin Luther King Jr.

Please post your vote and reasons.

Ron Paul for President

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 13:43:30 GMT

Finally a politician who belileves in America, the Constitution, and Freedom. A man of principle, smart as a whip and a Texan to boot. Vote for Ron Paul.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPlPT4bncq8

Sun, 04 Feb 2007 00:57:29 GMT

I've just read a very disturbing article about recent laws that have been passed in a number of cities prohibiting giving food to homeless people. Now, I'm no fan of homeless people, but these laws clearly trample on our civil rights. Not only that, but I believe there is something more sinister at work here as well. It is clear to me that the givernment wants a monopoly on charity, and that's something that absolutely cannot be allowed to happen.
Think about it. If private charities are outlawed, the only way for some people to get help will be from the government, to be paid for with money stolen from the American People (that means you). Theft disguised by that handy euphemism, taxes. This of course creates dependence, which the government likes because it helps support the widely believed, but wholly false notion that we need it to run our lives for us.
The more favors we accept from someone, the more we become that persons's slave, which is why we should never let government do for us what we can do for ourselves. That is the only way in which freedom is preserved.
Thank you, that is all.

Brainwaves: Day 3

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 03:26:08 GMT

Well folks, it's over, but what a weekend it was. I was expecting today's performances to be a bit of a letdown after the powerhouse session last night, but boy was I wrong! Here's a quick recap of the artists.
Charles Atlas opened and they were amazing. Very beautiful, dream like instrumental stuff. I wanted one of their albums, but they weren't selling anything. I'll have to put it on my wish list. Next was some girl with some rather boring neo-folk. One of the few acts of the weekend that I could have done without. There were two more drony style bands. Quite good, but really more of the same. Then there was this unbelievable guitarist, who did things I didn't even think were possible. He made a single accoustic guitar sound like a four piece rock band. His name was Andreas Martin and he was the only one to get a standing ovation all weekend.
Then there was a set by the Caretaker of Shining-esque haunted ballroom songs, which was fun, and a video performance of the brand new project The Threshold HouseBoys Choir, a project of Peter "Sleazy" Christopherson, the remaining half of Coil. It was great. I hope he starts releasing CDs under that name soon. Finally, another ex-Coil member, Thighpaulsandra was up. Now, if an evil race of alien invaders conquered Earth, enslaved humanity and then decided to put on a rock show for us, it would probably look and sound a lot like Thighpaulsandra. A wonderful end to the whole affair.
All in all, I spend way to much money on records, but I got Steve Stapleton to autograph a Nurse With Wound album, so that was great. I hope this sort of event happens again some day. It sure was a ball.

Brainwaves: Day 2

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 07:16:13 GMT

Whew! Another exhausting day at the Brainwaves festival. What fun! Today there were loads of great artists,including most of the ones I specifically came to see.
Tings got started with two guys, one in a horse wmask and one in a chicken mask, rolling around on an air mattress, which they later threw at the audience, while making an electronic racket. And things only got stranger from there! There was aa maan who made a delightful and bizarre array of sounds using an analog tape deck, and another who came out in an Elton John Mask. He then sang Elton John Songs, sped up, pitched up, horribly distorted and with loads of electronic noise on top. He also rolled around on the air mattress some before singing a song in the voice of Donald Duck.
Surprisingly, the highlight of the afternoon set was a quirky little Icelandic guy who calls himself Goodiepal. He demonstrated what he called a "cosmic battle" by moving around little models of planets he had made while whistling and making growling noises in his throat, accompanied by recorded bird songs and bells which he handed out to the audience. In the midst of all this he did a sort of stand up comedy routine about European culture that was hilarious. I bought one of his records.
On to the evening set, there was a mad, Czech violinist, followed by Steven Stapleton of Nurse With Wound playing us a few selections from his famously huge and obscure record collection. That was a real treat. The next performance was irr.App(Ext.), who made a wide variety of different noises, including a Residents cover, while one of them merely sat in a chair on stage and read a book. And finally, Volcano the Bear concluded the evening by making a jolly old racket with anything and everything they could find, while falling over a lot. As an encore all the performers got on stage together and jammed for a bit. Yay!
On a sad note, it appears as though Boyd Rice will not be playing tomorrow. He has disappeared and no one can contact him. :(
I'll let you know what happens!

Brainwaves: Day 1

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 07:27:34 GMT

As many of you know, I am attending a festival of experimental music (link) for the entirety of this weekend. I just returned from the first evening's worth of entertainment. My report follows.

I arrived fairly early to get a crack at the bins of incredibly hard to find records for sale. I picked up a couple of items, but most of the really good stuff was priced at $50 or more, and I'm not about to spend that on a single record. No sir. Music videos and other fun stuff played on the screen.
Then the concert started, opening with a bang, literally. Z'ev was the first performer and he spend a half hour or so banging on various bits of metal with great enthusiasm. He was followed by Troum, who played crushing slabs of synth and guitar noise, only not dissonant. Very nice. They were followed by Nadja, a similar group who did essentially the same thing, only much better and with more variety. Fun was had by all. Then there was a short break and the Dresden Dolls came on. They were good, but I had very high expectations and I must say they fell short just a little bit.They played for a good long time then Edward Ka-0Spell (of the Legendary Pink Dots) and his accomplice Silverman came on and did a set of electronica with lots of gloomy, apocalyptic vocals. That concluded the concert, but afterwards they showed a film that had been made by some of the artists. I stayed for a bit of it, but either its complex symbolism was way over my head or it was just boring, besides I was exhausted at this point (and still am) so I went home and wrote this, which I fully realise is quite illegible..
I am going to go die of tiredness now. More reports tomorrow.

Lobster Freeing

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 12:49:55 GMT

This whole "setting lobsters free" thing is getting out of control. I'm starting to regret even posting my Tim Hall anecdote now, since all you pranksters don't seem to have the self restraint to leave lobsters where they belong - in tanks at the grocery store so they can be sold for food. Witness the article below:

CINCINNATI (AP) — A 7-year-old Ohio girl who wanted to set a grocery store lobster free has gotten her wish.

It started last month when Myranda Hutchinson won Bubba the lobster in a grocery store anniversary raffle in Cincinnati. It ended Saturday when the nearly eight-pound crustacean found freedom about 1,100 miles away off the coast of Maine.

Myranda's mother says the girl was determined to win Bubba so she could set him free.

When no zoo would take Bubba in, Columbus Zoo curator Mike Brittsan helped get the lobster to diver Eddie Monat in Bar Harbor, Maine, who agreed to find Bubba a home in the Atlantic.

Bubba made it to Maine after Myranda's mother and stepfather paid $280 to fund his cross-country airplane ride in a foam container.

Story courtesy of foxnews.com

A Letter I Sent to Hershey's

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 02:32:34 GMT

Dear Hershey,
Today I went to the movies and, as I always do, I bought a package of Milk Duds. They were delicious, thank you. However, I noticed that you have changed the text on the box from "Chocolate Covered Caramels" to "Chocolatey Covered Caramels." This makes no sense. "Chocolatey" and "Covered" are both adjectives, modifying the noun "Caramels."
Therefore, we are told that the caramels are chocolatey, which would be great if true, but sadly, they are in no way chocolatey. They are caramelly. The chocolate is chocolatey, but that is not mentioned on the package. Furthermore, we are informed that the caramels are covered. That is true, but imprecise. Covered with what? A candy coating? Peanut butter? Perhaps a large life insurance policy. You see my point.
I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that the errant "Y" that sent a reasonable description spinning into grammatical pandemonium was a typo by a lazy intern (if it is not too late, I suggest you deny him college credit) but you really should be more careful.
Thank you for your time. If you wanted to send me free Milk Duds, I would not object. No companies ever send me free stuff, and you would be distinguishing yourself greatly in my estimation.
Thanks again,
-Logan Albright

Llamatinee: School For Scoundrels

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 02:18:24 GMT

WARNING: This Llamatinee may or may not contain spoilers. The only way to find out is to read it.

Arrr! Be ye scoundrels? If ye be, then read on!
Let's start with the amazing cast of all-star super rock and roll celebrity actor-comedians who appear in the picture. You've got David Cross, Billy Bob, Napoleon Dynamite, Sarah Silverman, Michael Clarke Duncan and Ben Stiller. Amazing! The cast as a whole must recieve no less than 5 llamas!
As you all know, the next most important thing in any movie (after the cast) is the music. Here we have the White Stripes and Alice Cooper (albeit via kareoke.) Fortunately, even bad kareoke cannot diminish the awesomeness of Alice, so two llamas for the music.
One llama for yet another beautiful Australian girl. They should rename it Australia: Island of Beautiful People. In fact, all countries should have a colon in their name, followed by a description. I was going to give more examples, but then I realized that I couldn't come up with anything that wasn't horribly offensive, so I'll let you use your imagination.
Next, the "Confrontation" scene, though admittedly awesome, was totally stolen from Fight Club. As much as it pains me, I am forced to subtract a llama.
I know I already mentioned Sarah Silverman once, but I feel she deserves special accolades for her hilarious exchange with Napoleon Dynamite in which she debates, among other things, whether Billy Joel's "Moving Out" is a musical. Add another llama for that.
Minus two llamas for making it look easy to manipulate airport personell and get onto a plane without a ticket. I know you hate America, Hollywood, but stop laying out instructions for terrorists!
Now, I have to say a few words about the Lobster Liberation scene. Please bear with me while I pause in my review to tell a story. When I was a student at Oberlin College, I had a philosophy professor named Tim Hall. Not only was he the best teacher in the world ever and is responsible for much of my worldview today, he also told tons of hilarious stories. I shall now relate one:
When Tim was a student, he worked the graveyard shift at a 24 hour grocery store, and as such had to put up with all sorts of ridiculous shenannigans. On one occassion, a group of penniless hippies who were following some band around decided to spend the night in this store. After having set up camp comfortably in the aaisles, they were struck with an idea that could only have been generated by such undoubtedly pot addled minds as theirs. They were going to free the lobsters. Each one in turn aapproached the seafood section and requested a lobster. The man working there, evidently too dumb or too asleep to realize that these people obviously could not afford lobsters, complied. At this point they promptly ran outside and set the lobsters free on the grass, where I suppose they would have prospered if not for the fact that they need water to survive.Don't worry, the lobsters were saved by my heroic professor.
Anyway, it is clear that the writers of this movie stole this story from Tim Hall. I might object, except that the memories made me laugh and it is funny enough that it deserves to be chronicled on film. Therefore, I award four llamas for the scene.
Finally, I am a sucker for low=speed chases, and the one at the beginner is a doozy. Three llamas for that, sir!

Grand Total: 13 llamas! Yes!

ADDENDUM: This movie was proceeded by a preview for a movie called Flicka. It looks so horrendously, awfully, terribly bad that I could not believe it was a real preview until it was over. If they never make another film about horses it will be too soon. I strongly ancourage you all to boycott the stupidly titled Flicka (what kind of mentally challenged little girl names a horse Flicka? Hate.)

I also have something to say about the concessions I consumed tonight, but that will come soon in a different post.

Cinema Quiz Inspired by some Mongoose or Other

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 00:50:41 GMT

1. The title of the Coen Borthers' "O Brother, Where Art Thou" was taken from this classic 1941 comedy.

2. This classic 1944 thriller provided much of the inspiration for David Lynch's "Twin Peaks," including the names of several key characters. Hint: It also features a young Vincent Price in an atypical role.

3. Name at least three movies in which a member of the police force in a "perfect" society decides to disrupt things terribly.

4. In the 1981 horror/comedy "An American Werewolf in London," name the book that the nurse reads to the protagonist while he is in the hospital.

5. This Hitchcock thriller was filmed entirely in one continuous shot.

6. Everyone remembers the scene between Bill Murray and Steve Martin in Little Shop of Horrors. But who played Bill Murray's character in the the original, Roger Corman film of the same name?

7. The song "Time is On My Side" features prominently in this 1998 thriller starring Denzel Washington.

8. This famous Russian director used a pseudonymn based on the sound of a movie camera as he percieved it.

9. This 1982 documentary's title translates roughly to "Life Out of Balance."

10. This horror film, widely considered to be one of the the worst ever made, showcases creatures from the land of Nilbog.

email your answers to thellama73@gmail.com
No looking them up on the Internets. I will know if you cheat.

Llamatinee: Little Miss Sunshine

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 13:25:57 GMT

WARNING: This Llamareview may or may not contain spoilers. The only way to find out is to read it.
I must admit, I had my doubts about this movie. The title does not bode well, at least in my mind. However, I must say I was pleasantly surprised. Let's start with that groovy yellow VW bus. I like the fact that it was completely falling apart, and yet, the more broken down it became, the better. I award it two llamas.
Next up, the Grandfather character. It's refreshing to see someone so old be so cool. His conversations injected a much needed dose of hilarious sanity into the family's overly uptight attitude. I think he should three llamas just for being himself.
Minus a llama for suicide attempts. Don't commit suicide, kids. It's illegal, and it's bad for you.
Minus two llamas for that stupid "I refuse to talk" kid. Man, what a brat. I hate him, and I'm glad that his dreams of glory were shattered.
Now as you may or may not know, the main premise of this movie is about a beauty pageant for little girls. Bearing that in mind, I award the disgruntled pageant employee a llama for making me laugh. Tee hee.
On to the main event, Olive talent contest routine must be seen to be believed. Seriously, go watch it. I promise you will laugh. Four llamas!
Oh yeah, before I forget, minus a llama for making ice cream look bad. I don't appreciate that kind of slander.

Grand Total: 6 llamas! A refreshing Vacation-style romp for the whole family (rated R)

Llamatinee: The Illusionist

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 02:24:32 GMT

WARNING: This Llamareview may or may not contain spoilers. The only way to find out is to read it.

Huzzah for magic! Who doesn't love a good magic show? If the answer is you, then you should probably leave now.
Plus two llamas for Edward Norton's smashing performance, with just a hint of an Austrian accent. Norton is oone of my favorite actors and I feel he gets far to little recognition. Hopefully, that will change soon.
Plus a llama for Eastern Europe, the best part of Europe (sorry, Scandinavia.)
Plus three llamas for exquisitely wonderful facial hair all around. It's going to come back into style, mark my words.
Minus a llama for never getting to see Budapest. I was so looking forward to that.
Plus two more llamas for the illusions themselves, perhaps the most elegant and charming that I've seen, which is surprising since Hollywood special effects should have made such things unimpressive by now.
Plus a llama for Rufus Sewell's drunk acting. Lots of actors have a hard time making drunk look realistic. This is unacceptable, given the amount of real life practice they've had. Well done, Rufus. Also, I like your name. Rufus.
Finally, plus 4 llamas for an ending which I don't think anyone expected. I won't spoil it for you, but it's great.

Grand Total: 12 llamas! Even with David Bowie, the Prestige is going to have to work really hard to top this one.

Llamatinee: Snakes on a Plane

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 03:44:35 GMT

Once every generation or so, there comes a film that transcends the mundane and becomes legend. Snakes on a Plane is such a film.
Every good writer must know his limits, and for the first time in Llamatinee history, I feel that I am unable to write a review that would do justice to this work of art. Perhaps if I were Oscar Wilde or Ernest Hemingway, I could, but alas, I am not.
Therefore, I will bypass the whole review section, and simply award Snakes on a Plane with the coveted PERFECT LLAMA, an honor only reserved for movies that could not posssibly be improved upon.
Go see Snakes on a Plane and be enlightened.

Attention Friends

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 01:41:46 GMT

I am going on vacation for two weeks, and will likely have little to no contact with the interweb. Please do not contact the authorities. I am not dead (unless of course I am.)

Llamatinee: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 01:58:08 GMT

WARNING: This Llamareview may or may not contain spoilers. The only way to find out is to read it.
Let me begin by saying that I was no fan of Anchorman. There were a few funny lines, but overall, I thought it was stupid. So I wasn't overly optimistic going into this movie. However, popcorn was eaten, expectations were shattered and laughter erupted from my gut with nary a pause for breath. Intrigued? Then read on.
If you've ever been on a freeway, you know that there are few things more fascinating to the human mind than a grisly car accident, and movie's got some doozies. 2 llamas for the best automobile carnage since The Blues Brothers.
Plus 3 llamas for Ali G. I swear, everything this guy touches turns to gold. It's uncanny.
Minus 2 llamas for finally allowing me to catch my breath by attempting to be (briefly) serious. This movie has no business inserting sad father-son scenes. Get thee to the cutting room floor!
Plus a llama for bashing jazz, Seal and the Pet Shop Boys all at the same time. That's right, I don't like jazz.
Plus a llama for bratty kids getting smacked around a little. These are the kind of family values that we need to reinstill in this touchy-feely, PC world of wussiness. In fact, these kids get off much too light.
Plus 2 llamas for the cougar. This animal is so cool that I can hardly believe it. Now I want one.
Now, although this movie has an amazing cast (Will Ferrell, Gary Cole, Molly Shannon, John C. Reilly, Michael Clarke Duncan and the aforementioned Ali G) I have one minor complaint. At this point I have come to expect a cameo appearance by each of the following actors: Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn. Disappointingly, not a single one of these men even dared to show their scrawny faces. That's just rude, if you ask me. Minus a llama.
Plus 2 llamas for the prominent use of a Pat Benatar song. Now, I know I'm going to take some ribbing for this, but you know what? Shut up. She rocks. Get over it.
Plus a llama for bloopers (better than average ones) and plus another, as always, for the post-credits ending.

Grand Total: 10 llamas! Rock on!

Llamatinee: Clerks II

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 02:00:24 GMT

WARNING: This Llamatinee may or may not contain spoilers. The only way to find out is to read it.
Alright, Clerks II. Considering that the original Clerks was a timeless classic, this may be the most heavily anticipated sequel since Star Wars: Episode I (I know it was a prequel, but you get my point.) Let's only hope it does a better job of living up to its predecesor.
First off, a llama for Kevin Smith following through on his promise, made oh so many years ago in the credits of Clerks, to bring us a sequel. I know it was only because his foray into "serious" filmmaking was a disaster, but still, I think it's worth mentioning.
A llama also, for Jeff Anderson stepping back onto the silver screen. He's just awesome, what can I say?
Minus a llama for the cliché girl-teaches-awkward-guy-how-to-dance scene. Besides the fact that it's been done too many times, dancing is stupid, and not something men should be subjected to.
Minus two llamas for gratuitous filth. Granted, it's a bit of a Kevin Smith trademark, and granted, it can have a kind of perverse charm, but there is such a thing as going too far. There are some things I just don't need to see. What kind of things, you ask? Go watch the movie and I'm pretty sure you'll be able to figure it out.
While this movie is not as rich in observational, pop-culture humor as the original, there are a couple of shining moments. Most notable of these are the Lord of the Rings bit (2 llamas) and the racism bit (2 llamas.) I like that this movie isn't afraid to tackle racism head on. Too many people shy away from the issue. Bravo, I say.
Minus a llama for Kevin Smith's declining taste in music. What happened there?
And finally, add a llama for not being overly self referential. It would have been really easy to make every other line a reference to the first Clerks, and while there are a few homages (how could there not be?) overall, I think it shows admirable restraint (unlike the new Star Wars films.)
Grand Total: 3 llamas. Not a masterpiece by any means, but a fitting conclusion to the Clerks saga, I think.

Llamatinee Double Feature! Today's Topic: Superheroes

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 02:03:05 GMT

WARNING: These Llamareviews may or may not contain spoilers. The only way to find out is to read them.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Finally, a movie about every American male's dream of dating a super heroine. Ok, maybe that's just me. Anyway, I was dismayed to learn that this film, rather than being a fun filled realization of this perfectly normal fantasy, depicts super heroes as insane, egomaniacal basketcases. As if all the real super ladies out there didn't have a hard enough time without this movie stigmatizing them. For this injustice, I award -3 llamas!
Another injustice is the insanely large number of close ups of Uma Thurman's face. Uma is great at killing ninjas and as comedy material for David Letterman, but her face is not one of her better attributes. -1 llama.
On the plus side, Eddie Izzard is in it, so a llama for him, and two more for the refreshingly novel method of revenge Uma takes out on poor Luke Wilson. Are you ready? She throws a shark at him. No, that's not a typo. A shark, right through the window at him. Now that's imagination (although I would have thought the shark would have died from being out of the water a lot faster.)
Aside from that, there were a handful (a small handful) of funny jokes, but what really gets me about this movie is the message it's sending to our children.
Uma is a terrible super hero. In a childish hissy fit, she destroys Luke Wilson's car, his apartment, makes him lose his job and tries to kill his fish. She has no regard for private property rights, nor, it seems, for basic human life. She is the embodiment of Nietzschian and Machiavellian "might makes right" philosophy. And what punishment, you ask, does she get in return for all this misanthropic behavior? None. Not even a slap on the wrist. If anything, she is rewarded. Is this what passes for justice these days? Not on my watch! -5 llamas!

Grand Total: -6 llamas. Go rent Spiderman 2 instead.

Superman Returns

I actually saw this quite a while ago and never got around to writing a review, but now seems to be an appropriate time. Superman, unlike Uma Thurman, is a real superhero. It's too bad this movie doesn't do a better job of representing his truly great legacy.
I'll start with a recent trend in moviemaking that is a pet peeve of mine. Lately, a lot of movies assume too much knowledge on the part of the audience. This particular film opens witha statement that Superman has been awayfor some time visiting his home planet Krypton. What? Who's this Superman guy? What are his motivations? What Makes him tick? Why did he leave, and why should we care? It's not as if this is the next part in a series of movies that come out once a year. The last Superman movie was made over a decade ago. How about a little exposition? This opening is part of a larger problem: the plot. You'd think that after fifty years of Superman comics they could dredge up a decent story. This one is essentially incoherent. Much too complicated for the format and not that interesting. Let's say, hmmm, negative 5 llamas for these fairly crippling problems.
However, the movie is not without good points. In one of the most awesome segments of committed to film, Superman takes a bullet in the eyeball. In the eyeball!!! And he doesn't even blink. That's class. 4 llamas there.
Minus 2 llamas for the most annoying kid ever to grace the silver screen.
Next up, Lex Luthor. I've always liked Lex as a villian, and Kevin Spacey's performance is indeed admirable (although he's written badly) but what bugs me the most is that apparently the only CD he owns is "Classical Music's Greatest Hits," peppered with such seminal masterpieces as Vivaldi's "The Four Seasons" and Bizet's "Carmen." Come on, the man's a multi-billionaire, genius, supervillian. I think his taste would have progressed a little beyond Vivaldi at this point in his life. Minus a llama for that minor annoyance. Plus a llama for Parker Posey (although she isn't given enough to do.) She should be in more movies.
Plus 2 llamas for Superman falling from orbit, with a shard of Kryptonite imbedded in him mind you, and living. That's one tough dude.
Finally, plus 3 llamas for David Fabrizio's bravura performance as Brutus, the stoic, tattooed, piano playing henchman, but minus 2 for killing off the most likeable character in the film! Stupid Hollywood executives.

Grand total: 0 llamas. Go rent Spiderman 2 instead.

Llamatinee: Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 03:32:59 GMT

WARNING: This Llamareview may or may not contain spoilers. The only way to find out is to read it.
Everyone loves pirates! And just for the record, they are better than Ninjas. 2 llamas for pirates (better than ninjas.)
Having said that, this movie could have done with some trimming. I love long movies, but the first hour or so of this just drags on and not much really exciting happens. Plus they threw Keira Knightley in jail! Uncool! -2 llamas for boredom. -2 for Keira in jail.
Don't be disheartened! There is still plenty to like here! Particularly the animals. One llama each for the following animals:
Dog with key from the original Pirates ride;
Undead Monkey;
Kraken, I'm pretty sure this is the first time a Kraken has shown up in a Hollywood movie, and by the way, I prefer the pronunciation with a long A.
Next up, Davy Jones. Aside from being played by Bill Nighy (not the science guy, apparently) he is awesome in mutiple ways. My favorite way in which he is awesome is when he plays his crazy circusy pirate organ with the tentacles growing out of his face! 3 Llamas.
Minus a llama for Hollywood's most successful piece of wood since Keanu Reeves, Orlando Bloom. You know what his next roll should be? Pinnocchio.
Finally, I always add points for post-credits endings, so plus a llama for the (sort of) funny one here. Even though the two foriegn ballet dancers sitting next to me left after a secifically told them that there would be something after the credits. Ingrates.

Grand Total: 4 llamas! Not as good as the first one, with less clever dialogue but still worth seeing.

Llamatinee: Click

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 02:36:13 GMT

WARNING: This Llamareview may or may not contain spoilers. The only way to find out is to read it.
What do you get when you combine one part Multiplicity with one part It's a Wonderful Life? The answer is Click, but in this case the whole is not greater than the sum of its parts.
First off, WALKEN! Walken for president. 3 llamas for him. It would have been more if he had a larger/moreinteresting part.
Minus one llama for child "actors." Why can't children act? They used to be able to act. Just watch the Shining and you'll see. I blame video games.
Minus one llama for ripping off the Bed Bath & Beyond joke from Family Guy. If you're gonna steal material, do it from a less popular source. That decreases your chances of being found out.
Plus three llamas for the Bed Bath and Beyond employee though. He was the highlight of the movie for me.
A couple of quick nods to the casting department here. One llama each for Henry Winkler and James Earl Jones. They are hilarious.
Plus two llamas for the annoying kid getting hit in the face with a baseball. I know I've seen it a million times in the trailers, but it still makes me laugh every time. Perfect comedic timing combined with bone crushing sound effects.
Minus two llamas for being, on the whole, much more depressing thanan Adam Sandler movie has any right to be, and a further negative two llamas for the oh-so-cliché,I-saw-it-coming-three-miles-away, cop-out ending. Hollywood is out of ideas. I can't wait for Snakes on a Plane, the only original movie to come out in years.

Grand Total: 4 llamas! Better than most of Sandler's recent flops. Go see it for Walken (and the kid getting hit in the face. Tee hee!)